My cat or whatever…

It has come to my attention that even though my website is called dog-poop-humor.com, I have yet to tell you about my dogs or cat in any detail.

I realize it is time to introduce you to my zoo and have decided to begin with our cat, he’s the newest addition, our only boy and the only cat, so it just seemed fair to start with the one and only Oswald Eugene, also affectionately known as Suckface.

He was a tiny kitten found and dropped off to the vet clinic by a very kind and loving person. He was itty bitty. Sick, severely underweight, covered in fleas and starving to death, like really only had about 12 hours left in him. For me it was love at first sight. It took a little more convincing for the darling husband. Anyway, I got him home and with around the clock nursing care I was able keep him warm and fed, hauled him back and forth to work and cuddled with him all of time. Which is how he ended up with the nickname Suckface. When he was just a wee little guy, only a few inches long, he would suck on my earlobes, lips and eyelids to go to sleep. Actually, he still “sucks face” when it’s night night time. Now that he’s all grown up and a big man cat, we don’t fit together as well as we did when he was little, but we make due.

He’s a bit of an odd duck, so I feel like the easiest way to explain Oswald Eugene, is to take you through a typical morning with my cat…

First thing in the mornings, just before the sun rises, he scampers across my bed several times. And by scamper, I mean, that he screams across the bed like he’s on fire, multiple times and scares the absolute Hell out me. It’s like he’ll start off testing the water a little by running across my legs, then will launch himself off of my head and face a few times Parkour style, and finish up with some stomping, oh the stomping! He takes aim on my middle bits until I am fully awake. And by awake, I mean, completely pissed off and wondering why I have a cat.

Then as I sit on my Princess Throne, taking care of Princess business, Cat (henceforth Oswald Eugene will be referred to as Cat) comes and sits on my feet and stares at me expectantly. I am not sure what he thinks is supposed to be happening while I’m sitting there, maybe I should be singing him a song? Who knows? He’s a cat. However what I am sure of, is that his icky little butt hole is planted firmly on the top of my foot. Like the actual pucker part. Yeah, you read that right, the pucker part.

Next comes the bath. Oh dear God! the bath… only 5 minutes into my bath I have Cat. He’s sitting on the side of the tub, then he’s splashing the water in the tub, then he’s in the tub standing on my chest nose to nose with me, then he’s laying on me in the tub and then is all mad when I remove him (sopping wet) from the tub. I give up and decide to just take a shower… only 5 minutes into my shower I have a Cat. He’s on the side of the tub, then he’s batting at the curtain, then he’s in the shower with me…. ya know? I think you get the picture.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Just shut the door. Sure, it sounds SO simple and I have tried. Oh, how I have tried! He will literally throw himself into the door and yell repeatedly. It is just God awful. Believe it or not, it is just eadier to take a bath with the cat.

After getting dressed and spending time “contemplating” the day (really, it’s playing with Cat and petting a dog). I give a little sigh, push myself off the bed and try to get motivated. Crap-o-la! Now I have “contemplated” to long and am running behind, so the rest of the morning goes alittle something like this….

I bound down the stairs… Ha ha!! Missed again Cat! Maybe tomorrow will be the day you finally trip me and I break my neck. But not today loser!!

I hit the kitchen with NO time to pour the coffee, let the dogs out and pack a lunch. But Cat is super helpful…

“Here, I’ll do it! I’ll feed you, hold on!”

“Get off the counter!”

“Stop touching that!”

“Get out of the fridge!”

“Don’t bite your sister! She didn’t even do anything to you!”

“Stop touching my sandwich!”

“Here. See? Now you’ve spilled it.”

“Be a good cat.”

Kitty kisses.

“I love you too, Kitten.”

“I gotta go…”

And there you have it, he’s a turd in the morning and I love him. A huge Suckface at night and I can’t imagine my life without him. That’s my cat or whatever…

Up next… a dog.

True story…

The guys painting my house have started calling me Wendy Oh, not because of my Asian ancestry, I am Norwegian and I am pretty sure they think that I’m Canadian, but because of the pure unadulterated excitement I express when I see them working. It’s true… after 2 years of waiting to see my house finally become one color, you can damn well bet, it is WAY better than sex!

I live in a zoo or whatever…

9:45 PM Monday night–

I just poked my head into the hallway, to get Bellybutton’s (the small curly headed pup) attention, and said “Come on Crap Head, let’s go to bed.” One of the dogs, the cat and a husband all came up the stairs.

Just thought I would share, in case this sounds familiar….you are not alone.

Ok here it is…

So over the 4th of July the Darling and I put up a small swimming pool. It went a little something like this…..

12:30 pm Tuesday

Amazon notified me, while I was at work, that my pool was only 5 stops away. I excitedly called my lovely husband to tell him of the happy news.

“Do you want me to put it up? That way it will be all warmed up when you get home.”

“Thank’s Babe, that would be so wonderfully helpful. I love you, you’re the best!”

“No problem! I have it all under control! You will be swimming just as soon as you get home.”

Fast forward to….

8:00 pm Tuesday

Hmmmm…. the pool water is not quite as warm as I was expecting. Turns out he may have had it less under control than he had led me to believe… or maybe had better things to do and started the pool thing 30 minutes before I got home.

8:30 pm Tuesday

We have progress in the pool area!! Beings it was my idea, I jumped right in to help. After filling a few inches of water then realizing it was on an incline, then letting the water out and moving it a foot and a half to a new location, a total of 4 times and 2 beers, we found a happy comprise. I agreed that he was correct and his placement was exactly in the right place. Precisely 3 feet from where it had started. After 19 years together, it’s a finely tuned dance.

Jump ahead…

10:30 pm Tuesday

Oh bother! Pool filling seems to be a much slower process than I was expecting, thankfully I have the patience of Job. Reveling in the fact that I was going to be cooling off in my very own pool come morning, I was able to relax enough to enjoy a few adult beverages and dream of crystal clear water with the sunshine glittering off of the surface. Man! This is going to be GREAT!

12:10 am Wednesday (4th of July)

Oh for Pete’s sake how long does it flipping take!!??

I gave myself a little pep talk and thankfully after a full 6 pack of Miller Lights, all to myself, the pool is very nearly full as well 😉! Although, now, due to the 6 pack of Miller Lights, I am teetering somewhere between; A) incredibly drunked up and very sleepy and B) drunked up just enough that it took everything in my power not to jump in fully clothed. Common sense prevailed! There is always tomorrow and though it was not completely full, I turned off the hose and fell in to bed for a peaceful little snooze. (Clay said that I snored so loudly it shook the windows. Lies!)

8:30 am Wednesday

Uff da! The sun… why’s it so bright. With a pounding head, acidic stomach and blind in both eyes, I was finally able to pull the hose out of the pool!! It’s FULL! Now with the pump plugged in and pumping, I plopped my little chlorine fish into the drink to start doing his job!! He’s so cute, I call him Goldie. Now just to wait a few hours to let it warm up a touch…

11:00 am Wednesday

Oh sweet Heaven! It looks so incredibly inviting, but damn it all to hell! Surprise! I have been roped into helping with the stupid house painting. Was soooo not expecting that. Although… I do actually thank Jesus and all of the baby Cherubs that my house will finally be finished! It has only been a year and a half since the first coat of primer was slapped on. It’s a 4th of July miracle! But drats! the pooling must wait for now.

7 pm Wednesday

I have no pictures… I was living in the moment, floating in my pool! Ahhhh…it was bliss! After a long hot and humid day of scrubbing shaker shingles and priming garage doors, I was finally to stop, able to bask in our accomplishments of a job well done, able to relax and enjoy the sound of the water lapping in the breeze… just in time for the mosquitoes to come out in full force. Oh for F***’s sake!

A busy day at the “Farm”

Here’s a little of what has happened today….

1) I was hideously ridiculed, by my very darling husband, for eating frozen vegetables plain. It was just a big bowl of spinach. Yep. Just spinach.

2) I worked up enough ambition to make it out of the house for gas and to retrieve food other than plain vegetables. A feat, in itself, with the “slight” hangover that I am suffering, after a very fun and long weekend.

3) I am not quite sure how I pulled it off, but I got the green light this weekend for both a car and a swimming pool!! Turns out that I am wicked convincing with some beers under my belt.

4) I have decided on and ordered a cute little 8′ pool and a fishy chlorine floater. Will be here Tuesday. Whoot! whoot! The 4th of July in my very own swimming pool… nice.

5) Also, hooray! I just remembered that tomorrow is my 2nd wedding anniversary!! (Thank you mother for sending us a card or I would have never remembered.) Oh, hey…. maybe that’s the thing with the car and pool. Awesome!!

Well that’s it for now… stay tuned for the fun of pool filling with a girl… or whatever.

Wait! I have a story….

I have had several people asking me for my next blog. Ok… two. Two people have asked.  So without further ado…

Here’s a little ditty about Jack and Diane, except there is no Jack or Diane and it is really about a goose. (That’s for you Megan!)

One fine fall day, a few years back, I was stopped a traffic light on a busy avenue and discovered an injured wild Canadian goose.  She was in the parking lot of a mall and her wing was hanging way too low, not to be hurt.  It just looked all wrong, even from a distance.  Now being the animal lover, you all love and adore, I did a good deed and pulled over to give her a look see and see what I could do. Well, by God, her wing was obviously broken. What does one do with a goose with a broken wing? I knew that I needed to act quickly, but I also had to think ‘er through a little. Ok Wendy, now think…

Thought #1-  Can she fly?  Well I moved a little closer to her, you know, rushed her a little and asked in a booming voice, “Hey? can you fly?”.   She took a few steps back, but  for the most part, she stayed put. If a bird could fly they would have left, so I assumed that flying was not an option for her.  Poor little goose.

Thought #2-  What on earth should I do with her?  I can’t just leave her here.  How long will it take for animal control take to get to her after I call?  Will she get tired and waddle off in the mean time?  Will she wander out in traffic and get run over?  Eek! That won’t work.

Thought #3-  I know! There is a Wildlife Center a few miles away, I mean they take in squirrels and raccoons, surely they will take a goose.  I can totally take her there.  I can totally save her!  It is the obvious choice. Transport her there, but how?  Will she actually fit in the back of a 1996 Geo Tracker? Sure. Well?  Hmm… I guess we’ll see!

Thought #4- Today I am definitely going to get the crap kicked out of me by a goose!

After explaining step by step of the goose saving plan that I had quickly formulated for her, to her, I jumped into action. Now on a side note, a Wild Canadian goose is a bit more intimidating than one would expect for a 10, maybe 12, pound bird. To be honest, I did have a bit of a Holy Crap this is NUTS moment, but after telling the goose the plan, I felt pretty committed.  Before I chickened out, I opened the back hatch of the Tracker, mentally judging if I could really get her in there or not.  I then slowly tiptoed over to stand nonchalantly next to her, “no need to worry Mrs. Goose. I am just here to watch the traffic, just like you. No, no. I assure you it is perfectly normal for a person to stand this close to you. I really like gooses, I had some when I was little.” The whole time, I knew that she was judging me. Watching. Waiting. Knowing at any moment she could go into a rage and rip me to shreds, or at the very least bite my leg pretty hard.

Like a goose hunting ninja, I took a deep breathe, then BOO YAH! I had her scooped up, one arm around her body (minding the broken wing) and the other hand trying to cover her beak and eyes.  Quick as lightning, she never even saw me coming.  In a big cloud of flying feathers, her feet spinning and some incredibly foul words being aimed at me and my mother, I pitched her into the back of the car and slammed the door shut.  Ha HA! I did it! I nearly peed my pants, but SHUT UP! I totally just wrangled a wild animal!  I am awesome! “Oh!” Remembering my task, I jumped into the driver’s seat, shifted the Tracker into gear, stretched my arm across to block her from tearing off my ear and off we went… for about a block.

Whoop WHOOP!  AACK!  The police!  I was politely being asked to stop my vehicle.  Now?Of all times, this was definitely not the best time to be pulled over by the police.  Dude!  Can’t you see that I have a crazed goose in the back seat and am clearly on a mission?  I stopped the car as the officer approached, I could see by his face, that he understandably had a few questions for me. He was nice and asked how my day was going and what I was doing. So I re-hashed the whole seeing the injured bird thing and explained the thoughts that I had had on the subject and how I was taking her to get medical care at the Operation Wildlife Center “right up the street”.  Now while he didn’t actually say it out loud, I could tell that he was incredibly impressed with my goose wrangling skills. What he did actually say out loud, was that it is incredibly illegal to move a Canadian goose from their natural migration route and it is, in fact, a Federal Crime, so I needed to get her out of my car immediately. Hmmm… how could have I been so drastically wrong about his awe over my obvious skills?

At first, it seemed that we were at an impasse, I wanted to take to her and he wanted, just a little bit, to arrest me if I did.  After a little more discussion and above the racket of a squawking goose, we both decided that the best plan was to move the goose from my car to the back of his squad car for her safe keeping, while he called someone to come get her. Sounded completely reasonable (and cheaper than bail). By- the- by, it turns out that shoving a stunned 10 pound goose into a car was WAY easier than pulling a pissed-off  goose back out, what, with all of the honking and the biting and the ungodly beating with her one good wing, it took both of us to first shoo her out one door and then try to herd into another, quite unsuccessfully I might add. So we stood around chatting,  not arresting me and kept an eye out until her “actual” help arrived.  Then she was gone.

In the end, *the bird was so happy that I stopped to help, **she was transported by the proper authorities to get the proper care, ***everything went smoothly and with great ease,  ****I had done a good deed,  *****And a few days later I was told the great news that HOORAY! her wing was healing and would be released back into the wild, just as soon as she was ready. My good deed was quite the success.

It’s true. I am a helper, sent by the angels. I always figured so.

 

* i didn’t literally scared to death from a heart attack, ** I did not just take off with her and get arrested or cause a police chase, *** I had the living crap beaten out of me with one wing, multiple bruises from the biting and was nearly deaf for 2 days, ****I felt like a complete ass for making so much trouble, when I should have just left her alone, ***** I called like 20 times a day until someone finally called me back, just to shut me up.

 

 

A morning of a girl or whatever…

If you will, please join me in a walk through my morning… I was snoozing so peacefully, snuggled into my blankies, when this happened…

7:38 AM

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Got a bright and early wake up call this morning from Orlando Florida! Yay! Somebody loves me! I wondered who was calling me from Orlando? Wait a tick! It took at least 3 rings until I realized that I didn’t actually know anyone in Florida. Stupid Florida. Stupid telemarketers. Why on earth are they even up already? It’s like 6:30 in the morning there.

7:40 AM

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I stretched and yawned and decided that maybe I could drift back to sleep. I rolled over to settle back in and get comfortable when I realized that I couldn’t move my legs. Dear God! I. Am. Paralyzed. When did that happen? No. No it’s fine. It’s just Cat. So I shuffled my feet a little, in hopes that he would move and that I could still grab a little more sleep. Stupid cat! I don’t want to play with you, stop biting my feet. FINE. I’m up.

7:50 AM

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COFFEE! It is not a well known fact, but I can actually fill the coffee pot with one eye closed.  (It’s a hell of a talent that I must have inherited from past relative.) I stood there not moving and stared blankly at the coffee pot, trying to wake up and desperately trying to remember what I had planned for the day. Jam. I am going to make jam today. Should I make jam? Will we even eat a lot of jam? Holy crap! The coffee is already done. Good Lord, how long had I been standing there? Oh well… COFFEE!

8:00 ish… AM

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Yes. I am going cut up some fruit for breakfast….

8:02 AM

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Nope. It was just to daunting. So back in the fridge it went. Who needs breakfast anyway? There is always tomorrow. I need to let the dogs out anyway.

8:05 AM

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You twit dogs, seriously it’s just a cup of coffee. You are too little to drink coffee in the mornings. How many times have I told you? Here I’ll just set my cup down for a moment…now get outside for pees and poops before the cat escapes…

8:07

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Damn it! What did I just say? So I guess I had better retrieve the cat out of the backyard. Cat retrieving did not go well, after running around the backyard repeatedly saying “Just get back in the house, Cat” like a lunatic on auto twitter, I had to get the hose out. (To spray the cat, not to flog on the cat.) I finally got the cat safely back in the house, with no help from the mutts and only a few stares from the neighbor.

8:35 ish.. AM

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AAhhh…finally time for a little break! I am able to relax on the patio with the cold cup of coffee I poured a half an hour ago.

After an hour of accomplishing nothing, but doing much, I realize that it is a good thing that no one is following me around with GPS. It would look like one of those old Family Circus cartoon strip. The one with Billy’s maps, with all of the arrows and lines jumbled all over the map. Remember those? (For you youngsters, that’s an old print cartoon out of the newspaper, look it up.)

Until next time…I am sure you will be waiting with bated breath to hear the musings of a girl or whatever.